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Post-Modern Sleaze's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
Post-Modern Sleaze

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[10 Jan 2002|11:34pm]
I'M NOT YOUR STAR.
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I get silenced.... [30 Jul 2001|08:37am]
[ mood | mellow ]

I am now officially obsessed with Saves the Day. I've been listening to their three LPs nonstop for the past few weeks. Their songs are just so beautifully violent and heatbreaking at the same time. And I want Chris to be my rockstar boyfriend (oh no... I called him a rockstar!@#)

I'm happy right now.

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I cannot express how much I love Saves the Day. [28 Jul 2001|05:02am]
[ mood | relaxed ]

I am worth exactly $1,723,968.00. Who wants to buy me?

Check out Human for Sale.

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Walking away, it's not the same as running... [27 Jul 2001|03:00am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

WARNING; If you're easily offended and/or do not want to listen to me bitch and moan about life in general, do not proceed.

I'm fucking tired of the people around me complaining about how they've been "depressed." You want some fucking sympathy? You're barking up the wrong tree.
Try having your father throw himself in front of a train because he's a fucking drug addicted loser. Try having to fight with all your fucking strength to NOT become the same drug addicted lose that he was. Try having to work three jobs at once because your mother barely has enough money to buy groceries, let alone support 4 kids and pay all the fucking funeral costs. Then we'll talk about depression. I don't do anything with my friends anymore, the only boy who's ever loved me now looks at me with disgust in his eyes, and yet I still manage to keep this FUCKING SMILE on my face at all times. I don't walk around with tears in my eyes, expecting people to offer their sympathies. I have SOME fucking dignity, dammit. I'm nice, I'm polite, and I hold my head up high.

Inside, though, is a different story... I feel like I'm fucking dying. Maybe I am. Maybe I no longer have a heart... or a soul. Maybe I'm destined to walk around an empty shell of the girl I used to be. At least shells can't feel.

"The bottle is waiting, the cap is twisted, begging to be used... and so are you."

2 comments|post comment

I nearly lost you. [26 Jul 2001|01:20am]
Well, here I am... don't know how to say this
Only thing I know is akward silence.
Your eyelids close when you're around me
To shut me out

DON'T SHUT ME OUT.

SAVES THE DAY

I want them to be my friends. Because they fucking rock.
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You expect me to apologize for things that you've done wrong. [17 Jul 2001|02:14am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

YOU'VE BEEN ASKING ME TO BLEED. (It seems these kind of questions come too easy to you now).

T: What's wrong with you?
A: I don't know. I'm just feeling kinda sad.
T: How is that any different from usual?
A: What's that supposed to mean?
T: It's just... no matter what I do, you're always so disconnected from everything. It's like you're on your own fucking planet that's a million miles away.
A: Thanks for understanding.
T: Nobody can understand you, Amanda. Nobody. Not even yourself.

I swear, I'm such a masochist.

4 comments|post comment

streets raised me... or something... [16 Jul 2001|02:47pm]
[ mood | mischievous ]

You's a big fine woman when you back that ass up.

*sighs*

I'm in this really odd mood. I just made up a song while I was sitting over there *points*

(To the tune of Weezer's My Name is Jonas)

My name's Amanda
And I'm sitting on the couch
My name's Amanda
And I'm sitting on the couch

Come sit next to me
Watch some teeeeeveeeee
Come sit next to me
I won't bite theeee.


Good God I am so bored it's ridiculous.

I JUST WASTED 47 SECONDS OF YOUR LIFE WITH THIS POST!@#

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I could lie here for days... [14 Jul 2001|05:59pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

Among the twos and threes and twenty-threes, I struggle to keep my conscience clean. But that Hurricane what's-her-name mentality was not for me. It never could be. (It surely brings bitter things.)

I loved so much the way we touched and psuedo-kissed.

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That is how I know you go on. [12 Jul 2001|05:48am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Tonight marks the first night I've gone out since my father's death. Should I feel bad for having fun?

I went to a concert with my friends. It wasn't anyone big.. just a local punk band. We danced, we laughed, we partied. And for a moment, I forgot about everything that was bad in my life. For a moment, I actually smiled and meant it. I loved it.

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What shall we do, what shall we do? [08 Jul 2001|01:29am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

The phone's been ringing off the hook. Friends, enemies, relatives I didn't even know existed... they're all calling with their sympathy.

When I'm home alone, I don't pick up the phone anymore. I let the answering machine get it. It's much easier that way.

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Please say you won't give up on me... [06 Jul 2001|11:52pm]
[ mood | weird ]

My father is gone. He got hit by a train. Police say it was a possible suicide. He may have been drunk. He may have been high. He may have been standing. He may have been laying down. Nobody knows.

I feel strange. I haven't been close to the man since I was 5. The last time I'd seen him was at my graduation. He literally said 2 words to me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not glad that he's gone. However, I don't feel like it's the end of the world for me. And that's a fucking shame.

I want to be able to cry. I really do. I want to fall to my knees and scream and yell and cry. But I just don't have it in me to do so.

I'm numb. I'm indifferent. And I feel like a horrible person because of that.

Wherever you are, dad, I wish the best for you. I hope you're happier now.

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Don't sit next to me, run while you can... [01 Jul 2001|02:48am]
[ mood | lazy ]

The door slam. It's such a safe sound.
I know where I am.
I put my keys down.
I lost my courage and passed your exit.

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I should've known better than to breathe you in... [29 Jun 2001|12:39pm]
[ mood | confused ]

T: Don't give up on me, okay? This is a brand-new start - whatever we want, whenever we want, just me and you...
A: No, you don't understand.
T: I'm trying to. I just want to be with you. And if you're not ready for a relationship, I'm ok... as long as I know that I have you.
A: You don't. You don't have me.

That's how the party went. I knew it was a bad idea.

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In love with yoooou... [27 Jun 2001|05:12am]
[ mood | tired ]

I want to be Angelina. She's insane. She's beautiful. She's everything I want to be; she's everything I'm not.

1 2 3

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Biggest thing in my itty bitty world... [27 Jun 2001|05:08am]
[ mood | geeky ]

I hate getting up so early for work. If the sun isn't even up, what business do I have being awake? Or something.

Tyler and I are going to a party tonight. Together. Should be interesting.

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Look into my eyes... [22 Jun 2001|11:54pm]
[ mood | good ]

I'm not on his mind. He's crying.

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This is about as social as I get now. [21 Jun 2001|01:48pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

Your eye is a convex lense, so the images which it produces are real and inverted. So we are basically all standing upside down. Does this make the world a shell? We are merely standing on the inside? Like a mouse in one of those god damned balls they run around in...

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Big Brother is watching you. [17 Jun 2001|03:40am]
[ mood | listless ]

T: Do you hate me for what I've done to you?
A: I just think that you've made some bad choices. And so have I.
T: So then you understand?
A: You're a good person who's made bad mistakes.
T: I never met anybody like you. You know, if we had met in different circumstances in a different time, you know...
A: I know. I know.

SIGH.

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I can't believe in you. [15 Jun 2001|10:28am]
[ mood | bored ]

I don't know why I'm even keeping one of these. I'm quite possibly the least fascinating person on thie side of the country. But, hell, if everyone else is doing it, why can't I?

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